It seems every year around Lily's birthday I get in a funk. This is hard to explain, because I'm crazy in love with the girl. I'm always gritting my teeth when I hold her becuse she's so cute I want to bite her :) and the crook of her neck is the sweetest smelling thing ever. Ever! Many evenings as she's falling asleep I just rest my face there and breathe her in.

So I'm madly in love with her. But I still haven't come to terms with the whole Downs thing. I'm an introspective person by nature, I think about things, I dwell on things. I think a lot about my pregnancy with her and how I never knew, she was right there inside me and I had no idea. That first year I remember just trying to get through it, get past those dates and times where I would think "the last time this happened, we didn't know". It still happens even now, thinking "three years ago, we didn't know". The other day in the car I heard that song by the Fray, Over My Head or whatever it's called. I will always remember that song as it was popular right after Lily was born. That's what it will always mean to me. I remember right after we found out (she was about a month and a half before we got the test results back definitively) my first instinct was to have another baby. I wanted another baby with ever fiber in my being. Not to replace her, because we already loved the girl. But that baby I had thought I was getting, that's the one I still wanted. In addition to, not instead of. That has gradually went away. Very gradually lol. I know we have enough kids, but still.

I start wondering if I'll ever get past this, will I always think about things in terms of Before Downs and After Downs? Will I ever be one of those people who say they wouldn't change a thing? I'm not sure I will.

And I have to add that I feel like a total jerk for feeling this way, I feel guilt for feeling these feelings. Because Lily has had pretty much NO problems and is a smart and sweet kid. She's really pretty high functioning as far as I can tell. But all the therapies and special orthotics for her feet, etc.. all remind me daily that things won't be what I'd always planned. So I'm giving myself permission, from here on out, to mourn that baby I thought I was getting, to mourn the life I thought I was going to have. This one isn't terrible, pretty far from it, but it's different and it's okay that I acknowledge that. Right? :)